Lanequa Ouasti, the Woman Who Is Just Too Much

By Lanequa Ouasti

I'm not entirely convinced that I'm human. I mean, I have a strong moral compass, although it's slightly flexible depending on the situation. I enjoy long walks on the beach or in the mall, and I'm known for my infectious laugh, although it's more like a dolphin noise. And I even have a deep understanding of global affairs, as long as they don't involve trigonometry. But sometimes, I just feel like I'm from another planet.

Take my love for cats, for example. I like them. I really do. But when I see a cat, I immediately feel an irresistible urge to pick it up and sing "Meow! Meow! I'm a kitty cat!" in a high-pitched voice. It's like my brain says, "Regular conversation? Nah, let's go with a musical cat serenade!" Can regular humans relate to this? I think not.

Or how about my inability to wear pants? I'm not a nudist or anything, but for some reason, suits, skirts, and even sweatpants make me feel like I'm being suffocated. I'm much more comfortable in a flowy maxi dress, even if it means I can't run without fear of tripping and giving everyone a free show. But wait, there's more! I'm Lanequa Ouasti, the woman who can't cook. I know, it's shocking. I'm fully aware that cooking is one of the basic human survival skills. I've even tried taking cooking classes, but ended up setting the kitchen on fire. And not just a small fire, like the ones you see in movies. No, I managed to create a roaring inferno that had our entire neighborhood evacuated. The firefighters had to wear hazmat suits to enter, and they still came out looking traumatized.

Now, let's talk about my fashion choices. I like to call my style "eccentric elegance." This basically means I wear whatever I want, regardless of whether or not it matches or is considered appropriate for the occasion. I've been known to show up at a wedding in a leopard-print jumpsuit and a feather boa, and I once went to the grocery store in a full-length ball gown. Why? Because I'm Lanequa Ouasti, and I don't like to be boxed in by societal norms. And besides, who doesn't love a woman who can appreciate both a formal gala and a Target sale?

But here's the thing: I'm not just some crazy, cat-loving, pants-hating, cooking-challenged fashionista. Deep down, I'm a kind and caring person. I'm loyal to my friends, I'm always willing to help others, and I have a soft spot for animals, even the ones that don't meow back. So, if you're looking for a normal, predictable human, then I'm not your girl. But if you're up for a wild ride and a lot of laughter, then come on, let's be friends. Just don't be surprised if I show up at your door in a tutu and a tiara.

Lanequa Ouasti's Guide to Life:
1. Cats are always right.
2. Pants are overrated.
3. Cooking is for suckers.
4. Fashion should scream, "I'm here, and I don't care what you think!"
5. Kindness is the ultimate accessory.

Meet the Real Lanequa Ouasti: