Nikki Glaser's Golden Globe Monologue: A No-Holds-Barred Comedy Extravaganza

'I'm Not Fat, I'm a Superhero'

As the curtains parted and Nikki Glaser strutted onto the stage of the iconic Golden Globes, a palpable buzz filled the ballroom. The comedian, known for her acerbic wit and fearless performances, was about to unleash her latest masterpiece: a monologue that would leave no celebrity unroasted.

'Ozempic's Big Night Out'

Glaser opened with a bang, taking aim at the elephant in the room. "Welcome to the Golden Globes, aka Ozempic's Big Night Out!" she exclaimed, sending shockwaves of laughter through the audience. "I'm Nikki Glaser, your host, and I'm here to remind you that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, including the ones we pretend not to see."

'Stephen Spielberg, You're Old'

Glaser's razor-sharp commentary extended to the stars themselves. "Stephen Spielberg, you're old," she quipped, referring to the legendary director's recent 80th birthday. "But hey, at least you're not as old as the Hollywood Foreign Press Association."

'The Olsen Twins: Real Housewives of the Hamptons'

The Olsen twins were also on the receiving end of Glaser's humor. "Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, you're the perfect size for the Real Housewives of the Hamptons," she joked. "Except they might fire you for being too thin."

'Brad Pitt, Your Ex-Wife is Hotter Than You'

Brad Pitt was not spared either. "Brad Pitt, your ex-wife is hotter than you now," Glaser declared, referring to Angelina Jolie. "But hey, at least you've got that new movie, 'Babylon.' And let's be honest, it's the closest you'll ever come to a threesome."

'Ricky Gervais, Shut Up'

Even Ricky Gervais, known for his own irreverent humor, was not safe from Glaser's barbs. "Ricky Gervais, shut up," she said. "You're not funny anymore. You're just a bitter old man who can't accept that the world has moved on."

'And the Award Goes to...'

As the monologue reached its climax, Glaser turned her attention to the actual awards. "And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for," she announced sarcastically, "the awards. They're all fake, by the way, but they look great on Instagram."

'A Celebration of Talent and Hypocrisy'

Glaser concluded her monologue with a thought-provoking observation. "The Golden Globes: a celebration of talent, hypocrisy, and Botox," she said. "So, let's raise a glass to all the nominees, the winners, and the losers who are going home empty-handed. But remember, it's not about winning, it's about being there and getting your picture taken."

As the applause thundered, Nikki Glaser took her final bow. Her monologue had been a tour de force of comedy, leaving a lasting impression on the audience. It was a reminder that the Golden Globes were not just about giving out awards, but also about providing a platform for truth and laughter.